5 Ways to Improve Relationship Intimacy

Are you seeking more intimacy in your relationship? Believe it or not, this is one of the biggest heart-hungers most couples share. Sure, there are the typical arguments over finances or parenting, but what couples are often really craving is that deep sense of "I see you." Intimacy often gets a "bad rap" because we tend to only associate it with physical closeness. But there is so much more to it than that; most of us need to feel emotionally safe and connected before we feel inclined to engage physically. So, let’s take a look at the root of true intimacy.

Intimacy is born out of connectedness. The most important key to that connection is the brave choice to spend quality time together. We see countless couples who have their lives so jam-packed that they have little left to give each other at the end of the day. They may have a few hours together, but they are so drained they no longer have the "bandwidth" to engage in the behaviors that cultivate intimacy: presence, meaningful conversations, and physical closeness. These behaviors create a sacred space for the expression of love, empathy, care, support, celebration, validation, security, and fun.

Understandably, there are all kinds of distractions that keep us from that quality time: screens, sports, hobbies, work, and the "hustle" of daily life. Some of these, like kids and household tasks, legitimately scream for our attention. None are "bad" necessarily, unless they start interfering with our relationship growth. You have to intentionally clear time in your schedule for intimacy, or it will eventually dwindle and fade. Here are five small behavioral changes to help you turn toward each other:

1. Turn Toward: Dr. John Gottman studied thousands of couples to find what makes relationships work, and "turning toward" your partner's bids for connection is everything. It’s about noticing those small moments, like when your partner points out a sailboat on the lake, and choosing to engage rather than just grunting over your phone or newspaper.

   
   

2. Daily Conversation: Many couples go through the day only communicating the "logistics" of life. You need to be conversing with your partner privately every day, even if it’s only for 15 minutes. Find a time that works, whether it’s morning coffee or after the kids are in bed, and stick to it.

   
   

3. Monthly Date Nights: Remember the early days of dating when everything was new? Reignite that! We recommend a minimum of once a month. To add a twist, take turns planning surprise dates you know your partner will love. Make sure it's an activity where you can actually interact, a movie is fine, but only if you grab dinner or dessert afterward to talk.

   
   

4. Replace Complaints with Requests: There is no greater intimacy "turn-off" than constant complaining. If you’re upset about something, like laundry on the floor, try making a vulnerable request instead of a critique. Rather than calling them "lazy," try saying (in a calm voice), "Could you help me with the clothes? I find myself feeling frustrated and pulling away, and I want to stay close to you."

   
   

5. Provide Physical Affection: Physical touch is a vital component of intimacy, but it doesn't have to be a big production. A gentle brush across your partner's back as you walk by can do the trick. Set a goal to show physical affection five times a day. As you get used to it, it will become more spontaneous and heartfelt.

   
   

by Trish Carter, LIMHP, LCPC, BCN