Parental Alienation: Who Does it Really Hurt?

Divorce is a difficult time for everyone in the family. Depending on the circumstances, there is usually a lot of anger and resentment flying around. All too often, children either become targets of this anger or are used as pawns in a "war" against the other parent. When this happens, the goal is often to undermine the child's relationship with the other parent, whether by turning the child against them or limiting their contact.

While protecting a child from actual abuse is a sacred responsibility, exaggerating or misrepresenting concerns just to "punish" an ex-partner only ends up hurting the child. Some ways parents, often unconsciously, try to alienate the other parent include:

• Bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the child.

  
  

• Limiting the child’s contact or time with the other parent.

  
  

• Removing photos or memoirs of the other parent from the home.

  
  

• Manipulating the child into rejecting or fearing the other parent.

  
  

• Forcing the child to choose sides, which creates a devastating "loyalty conflict".

  
  

• Belittling the extended family (grandparents, cousins) of the other parent.

  
  

Our job as parents is to provide love, support, and stability, and that mission doesn't change just because two adults can no longer live together. Divorce disrupts a child’s entire world; they need to feel secure more than ever. Some ways we can provide a healthy, wholehearted environment are:

• Expressing unconditional love and support for your child.

  
  

• Reassuring them of your desire to maintain a close, healthy relationship.

  
  

• Encouraging a respectful, positive relationship with both parents.

  
  

• Teaching your child how to express their feelings honestly and respectfully.

  
  

• Providing a safe space for your child to talk with an impartial party, such as a professional counselor or pastor.

  
  

Children need the opportunity to continue loving both of their parents. Alienating a parent without just cause can lead to a lifetime of low self-esteem, trust issues, and deep-seated anger. While it may feel like the other parent is the one being punished, the real victim is always the child.

If you find yourself leaning into these behaviors, please reach out. Seeking help from a professional counselor or a trusted mentor is a brave first step toward healing your family.

by David Carter, PhD, LIMHP