Relationships: Need Advice, or just an Empathetic Ear?

In our book, Love With Intention, we encourage couples to refrain from giving their partner advice or offering their opinion unless specifically asked. Recently, studies out of the University of Iowa found that the more partners give unwanted advice, the less satisfaction they experience in the relationship. Couples in the study reported that unsolicited input bred anger, frustration, and overall marital unhappiness. Obviously, our advice was on track! However, refraining from offering unsolicited advice is only one side of the coin. The other side involves being willing to ask your partner for their opinion or advice.   

The Power of the "Vent"

Let's face it! There are times when all we want to do is vent! We don't want advice; we just want someone to listen, and we want to know our partner is on our side. When we complain about our boss after a rough day at work, what we really want is an ear, along with empathy and support, not suggestions on how we can handle situations differently.   

However, there are times when we could really benefit from our partner's feedback. We all view the world through our own individual filter based on our experiences, perceptions, judgments, and values. Sometimes this filter can get in the way of seeing the picture clearly, especially when our emotions are running high.   

Identifying What You Need

For this reason, it's important to differentiate between venting and situations where you could truly use a different perspective. It’s also helpful for your partner to know exactly what you need from them. Before you start sharing, take a moment to determine your goal. Then, communicate that need before you even begin the story:

• When you need to vent: Try saying, "I know there's absolutely nothing you can do about this situation, but I just need to vent." This lets your partner know to simply be a good, supportive listener.

  
  

• When you need perspective: Try saying, "I would really like to know how you would handle this situation." This gives your partner the green light to offer suggestions or advice.

  
  

Understanding the "Fix-it" Instinct

Even with these conversation precursors, some partners, especially those with an instinctual urge to be helpful, may jump straight into advice-giving. If your partner starts offering solutions even when you just need to vent, try to remember they are on your side. Remembering their intent is to be helpful can keep you from responding defensively or shutting down. Who knows? Despite the "infraction," you might find their suggestions beneficial once the initial frustration passes.

The Importance of Gratitude

When your partner is willing to lend an ear, remember to thank them. This goes for when you ask for their perspective as well, regardless of whether you found the advice feasible. If their suggestions don't feel right for you, remember that it is ultimately your choice. You, more than anyone, know what works best for your life.

by Trish Carter, LIMHP, LCPC, BCN