Gratitude and Relationship Goodwill

By the time many couples come in for counseling, their "relationship goodwill" has been depleted. Each partner has made spoken (or unspoken) requests, only to be disappointed time and time again. One partner expresses a need, the other commits to a change but slips back into old habits, or one partner expects the other to read their mind and feels let down when they don't. This creates a snowball effect of disenchantment until couples can no longer remember why they were even attracted to each other in the first place. Even trivial habits that were once endearing become points of bitter contention.

Choosing Gratitude Over the "Grumble"

The first winter David and I were married, I found myself trudging up the driveway in the bitter cold, waste receptacle in tow. I don’t do cold very well; it takes me forever to get warm again. This had happened several times recently, and I found myself grumbling, okay, a lot, at David for forgetting the trash.

Thankfully, he wasn't home to hear it. Once I calmed down, I made a conscious choice to stop focusing on the one thing he forgot and instead "rumble" with everything he does right. I focused on how hard he works at the university, our practice, and our home. By invoking sincere gratitude for his presence in my life, I was able to overlook his forgetfulness and return to a place of peace.

The Power of the "Bonus" Mindset

In our home, we’ve learned to express gratitude for small acts of kindness on a daily basis. While we have our own distinct responsibilities, we try to notice whenever the other person completes a task. We realized early on that there is no "scorekeeping".

We use a perspective that might seem radical: we tell ourselves that if something happened to one of us, the other would have to do everything alone. This allows us to view every act of service our partner completes as a bonus rather than a requirement. We are grateful for bonuses, and we make that known several times a day. It’s also vital to show gratitude for the attempt, even if a task isn't completed perfectly, we quicky express appreciation for the effort.

Creating an Upward Spiral

When you have the mindset of looking for things to be grateful for, your brain unconsciously begins to find more and more of them. As a result, you notice more positive attributes, and your partner feels reinforced and motivated to keep helping and pleasing you.

When this cycle is reciprocated, the results are exponential. Relationship goodwill isn't just maintained, it is restored.

by Trish Carter, LIMHP, LCPC, BCN