Letting Go of What You Can’t Control: A Therapist’s Take on Anxiety

There’s a phrase I hear often in therapy: “I just want to feel in control again.” And it makes sense. When anxiety shows up, it can feel like everything is uncertain. Your thoughts, your future, even your sense of stability. So naturally, your mind tries to regain control by thinking more, planning more, and anticipating every possible outcome. But here’s the hard truth: The more you try to control everything, the more anxious you often feel.

Let’s talk about why that happens, and what it might look like to shift toward something different: acceptance.

Why Anxiety and Control Go Hand in Hand

Anxiety is, at its core, about uncertainty. Your brain is trying to answer questions like:

• What if something goes wrong?

• How do I prevent that?

• How can I be prepared for everything?

So you start:

• Overthinking

• Replaying conversations

• Trying to predict outcomes

• Seeking reassurance

All of this is an attempt to create certainty. But the problem is, life doesn’t offer that. No amount of thinking can guarantee:

• How others will respond

• What the future holds

• Whether things will go exactly as planned

And when your brain keeps trying to solve unsolvable problems, it gets stuck in a loop. That loop is anxiety.

The Illusion of Control

Here’s something I often explore with clients: There are things you can control… and things you can’t.

You can control:

• Your actions

• Your choices

• How you respond (over time, with practice)

• Where you place your attention

You can’t control:

• Other people’s thoughts or behavior

• The outcome of every situation

• Unexpected events

• The past

But anxiety doesn’t respect those boundaries. It tries to control all of it. And that’s where exhaustion sets in.

What Acceptance Actually Means

When people hear acceptance, they sometimes think it means:

• Giving up

• Not caring

• Letting things happen without response

That’s not what we’re talking about. Acceptance means acknowledging reality as it is, without constantly fighting against it. It sounds like:

• “I don’t like this situation, but I can’t change it right now.”

• “I can’t control how they feel, but I can control how I show up.”

• “I don’t know what will happen, and I’m willing to sit with that uncertainty.”

Acceptance creates space. And in that space, your nervous system can begin to settle.

Why Letting Go Can Reduce Anxiety

When you stop trying to control everything, a few important shifts happen:

1. Your mind gets a break. You’re no longer chasing every “what if,” which reduces mental overload.

2. Your body can calm down. Letting go of constant vigilance allows your nervous system to move out of that heightened stress state.

3. You focus your energy where it actually matters. Instead of spinning in uncertainty, you invest in what’s within your influence.

This aligns with principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which emphasizes accepting internal experiences while committing to meaningful action (Hayes et al., 2006).

A Simple Exercise: The Control Check

When you notice anxiety rising, try this: Ask yourself, “Is this within my control?” If the answer is yes:

• What’s one small action you can take?

If the answer is no:

• What would it look like to release it, even slightly?

You might even visualize placing that worry down, or saying: “This is not mine to carry right now.” It won’t make the feeling disappear instantly, but it interrupts the cycle.

The Role of Uncertainty

One of the biggest challenges in anxiety is learning to tolerate uncertainty. Because the truth is: You can’t eliminate uncertainty, but you can build your capacity to live with it. Research shows that intolerance of uncertainty is a key factor in anxiety disorders (Carleton, 2016). The more we try to avoid or eliminate uncertainty, the more distress it tends to create. Acceptance helps you build a different relationship with uncertainty, not as something to fear, but as something you can handle.

Letting Go, Little by Little

Letting go isn’t a one-time decision; it’s a practice. Some days it might look like:

• Not checking your phone for reassurance

• Allowing a conversation to end without overanalyzing it

• Sitting with a feeling instead of trying to fix it immediately

Other days, it might simply be noticing: “I’m trying to control something I can’t.” That awareness alone is a powerful first step.

A Gentle Reminder

You don’t have to have everything figured out. You don’t have to predict every outcome. And you don’t have to carry the weight of things that were never yours to control in the first place. Acceptance doesn’t mean life becomes easy. But it does mean life becomes a little lighter.

A Final Thought

If anxiety is the voice that says, “Control everything so nothing goes wrong.” Acceptance is the voice that gently responds, “Handle what you can, and allow the rest to be.” And somewhere in that shift, many people begin to feel something they haven’t felt in a while: A sense of peace.

Patricia L. & David J. Carter

This topic is explored in depth in our upcoming book, Rewiring Anxiety: How to Train Your Nervous System for Calm.

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References & Resources

• Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change

• Carleton, R. N. (2016). Fear of the unknown: One fear to rule them all? Journal of Anxiety Disorders

• American Psychological Association. (2023). Stress in America Survey

• National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH): Anxiety Disorders Overview