The Power of Touch in Relationships

As newborn infants, touch is the first sense we acquire. It is so vital to our developmental needs that there is a phenomenon known as "failure to thrive" used to describe the delayed development, and sometimes loss, of children who are deprived of physical contact. It seems our need for touch is hard-wired into our very being, yet our current society is often described as "touch phobic". There are many reasons for this hesitation: a deep respect for others' boundaries, the fear of misinterpretation, and the sheer vulnerability that touch requires. But for all our hesitation, we are also innately designed to interpret what touch means.

A recent study at DePauw University demonstrated that we are naturally able to interpret complex emotions through touch alone. Participants were able to communicate anger, disgust, fear, sadness, love, sympathy, gratitude, and happiness with up to 78% accuracy, just by touch. This is significantly higher than the accuracy found in studies on body language or even verbal communication. Whether it’s influencing teamwork or simply how we evaluate a situation, touch has a powerful, positive impact. So, how does this apply to the "messy middle" of your own relationships?

The Biological Connection of Touch

Touch is a bonding ritual between partners. It creates a bridge of connectivity and strengthens the foundation of a relationship. When we experience friendly, safe touch, our oxytocin levels (the "cuddle hormone") increase, our heart rate slows down, and levels of the stress hormone cortisol decrease. These physiological changes are biological signals of safety and well-being.

Interestingly, these benefits aren't just for the person being touched. The individual doing the touching receives the same physiological boost, the "hugger" gets just as much benefit as the person being hugged. This is likely why touch feels so effortless and important in the early stages of a relationship. Unfortunately, over time, physical touch typically decreases in committed relationships. Each partner has a different "hunger" for touch, and while couples often compromise at first, the partner with the higher need can eventually feel dissatisfied. The good news? As long as your touch is accepted, you still receive those biological benefits. It becomes a matter of shifting your mindset away from "keeping score" and toward honoring this subconscious process.

Starting Small

If you aren't naturally comfortable with touch, the idea of increasing physical contact might feel overwhelming or even a bit scary. But touch doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It can be as simple as the quiet courage of a hand on your partner's shoulder as you walk by.

That small moment communicates: "I see you. I’m here with you."

Start with one small ritual, a morning hug, holding hands while watching TV, or a gentle touch on the arm during a conversation. As you become more comfortable leaning into this type of vulnerability, you will likely notice a deeper, more grounded connectivity in your relationship.

by David Carter, PhD, LIMHP, LCPC